Grow old along with me

I've officially become an addict.... of coffee. I cannot get my ass moving unless I have at least one sufficiently full cup flowing through my veins, usually two. It's a surprise actually, because coffee use to give me the shakes really bad. I still can't handle it very strong. I guess I'm a bit of a novice coffee drinker. I've found that I enjoy it as soon as I wake in the morning, slowly sipping over the first hour of being somewhat conscious, and then in the evening around 6pm I like to have two cups to see me through the night. Two weeks ago I even sat out on my front porch and puffed on half of a Nat Sherman along with my coffee! That was a sweet little treat.

Lets talk about math -- the downfall of my final semester of college. Seriously, I'm beginning to actually have nightmares about it. Real dreams where I'm not graduating because of this ridiculous class. Thankfully, the professor is a native english speaker and not some guy who just came from China and has a lisp. He's an older southern gentleman who takes his time explaining things, but even still, there is an expectation that we have some form of prior high school algebra knowledge. Honestly folks, the last math class I consciously attended was in eighth grade. As soon as high school came along I made it a point to be asleep within the first five minutes class began. And then, I was simply not there at all... skipping to hang out in the library, or at Kennesaw mountain getting stoned with Jess and tanning in a Field of wild flowers in our underwear. Freakin hippies.

Today will be dedicated to teaching myself the first chapter of math, if I can stay away from household distractions like doing the dishes, painting my toenails (again), wasting time on facebook.

Neighbor Jenn and I are rearranging the porch later this afternoon. She put a new hutch out there for holding our garden toys and tools, which means we need to reorganize all the chairs and mosaic table and scores of pots. I love the hutch; it's absolutely adorable! And I'm already itching for springtime, or at least the beginning stages of March, when I can begin tilling the soil again, thinking out new flower schemes. Perhaps I'll put in a new bed in the side yard this year. We also need to discuss what veggies we want to grow this year in our big blue tubs out by the driveway. The tomatoes did great, the peppers were phenomenal, but the squash developed an unfortunate fungus. I would like to see us get into leafy greens this year -- some baby arugala for sure.

Finally, I had the phone interview this past Friday morning for Teach for America. I've been worrying constantly since then that I screwed it all up (yay for unnecessary rumination! damn capricorn woman). I probably did just fine, but I was nervous as hell, and when I get really nervous, I lack confidence in what I'm saying... which makes me in turn worry that everything I'm saying will come out sounding like bullshit. Then, I woke up late because I set my phone alarm but neglected to turn the volume back on. Thirty minutes before the call I woke up in a panic. There were three articles I needed to read in order to prepare for a few questions they were to ask me on the phone. I had to skim these in a foggy state, slurping down the coffee, trying desperately to focus. When there is a time pressure on me like that... where it may actually be impossible to get done what I need to in the time I have, I freak out. Focusing actually becomes totally impossible. This is becuase there's an element of fear blocking my brain. If I weren't afraid, I'd be sharp as a tack. Unfortunate turn of events that morning. I felt miserable after hanging up... but really, it's probably all in my head. I know that I also have this remarkable ability to perform professionally, even when Im suffering on the inside -- thanks to seven years in the restaurant industry.

This feels like a good morning to rediscover the musical talents of Minus Story. Also craving a bit of Tracy Chapman... two totally different artists. It's good to mix it up a little.

Today is Jess's birthday. I'm so glad we were born together into this life. What would I do without you? I cannot even begin to imagine that possibility.