I Shall Believe

As I get older, I've begun to realize that there are some things we should say, and others we should not. I'll admit to having been one of those painfully honest types, giving more than I ought to have given -- a real barrage of verbiage, often landing my ass in hot water when I should have kept my over-active mouth shut tightly. It's not some sort of manipulation one learns, some kind of secret-keeping or not telling the whole truth. On the contrary, it is actually still just as honest, only more tactful and gracious. Best put, it is the art of knowing when to speak, of thinking before speaking. And interestingly enough, the pauses taken, the considerations undergone in what to say and what to withhold, actually translates into the Self, becomes integrated into the personality. It transforms, slowly over time, how one thinks and behaves. Rather than racing to cover all the bases, spitting out all the truths inherent in a given situation, now I think first, and select what response is most appropriate, what words will create the effect I want to have for another person, myself involved, for our future prospects, our understandings of the past and hopefully, a comfortable present. Life is a skill. Living is a skill. We should always be looking for ways to sharpen it. Self-reflection, I have found, is perhaps The best way.

All things follow from this point. Communication becomes easier. Straining and struggling fade into a gentle confidence, a readiness to meet others on safe terms. There is protection in being mindful of our mouths.

Twenty five. What does it mean to be this age? How does it feel? Older, but not old. Significant, but not exceptional. I am amidst transformation, and have been for years now. In the past few months, it has finally been coming to fruition. But I remember all too well the first year of change, how painful -- the bloody knees, the scraped elbows, the broken hearts. I took two men down with me and devastated myself. I was a train wreck. I believe that's how complete transformations sometime take place. They require the death of ALL of our Selves, every last particle, down to the very first and last thought. When we get to that place, of not knowing which way is up and which way is down, every choice turns into some miserable mistake we cannot puncture our way out of... that's when you know, you're deep in the change.

I know somehow, that this will occur again and again throughout my lifetime -- deep, inevitable change. Only, the texture and the interpretation will be different at each stage of my life. For my early twenties it was full of uncertainty, lack of self-trust, and all things defined along the terms of black and white -- either or. A time when everything I said about my self, my situation, most likely seemed either a contradiction or a lie, simply because I myself did not know. This, in its most real sense, is complete and inescapable honesty. And it's utterly excruciating. Like being naked in that dream where you're in front of a large crowd -- there's nothing you can do, your ass is in front of the audience, bold, butt-naked, vulnerable and exposed and ruthlessly ashamed.

Still, it carries its own beauty. I do not look back and shudder. No, I look back with a sense of wonder, really, and forgiveness, gentle, graceful forgiveness, for that young, unknowing, brash and brave and terrified young girl. She was a total contradiction to herself, and yet... and yet she made sense, for where and what she was.

Now she is older. She is twenty five. She has lost the "love of her life." She knows there will be others. She is slowly starting to recover her sense and ability to start over. Resilience fades slightly as we grow older, but it does not disappear. Every moment is a new moment, full of opportunity and fresh choice. As the Greek epics so beautifully tell again and again, it is not the outcome we can control, but our response to each situation... it is this, that defines how great of a person we will be in this lifetime. And every moment that passes, gives a new moment to redefine that person. Yesterday I was not such a good lover. Today I am. Tomorrow I should strive to be again. And again. And sometimes I will fail, but how will I choose to respond to that failing? Will I define myself by it, will I check it and move on, will I laugh and grow in spite of it all?

Some things never change. Love, for instance, never changes. If you've loved someone once, you will forever love them. Love then, is similar to enlightenment. Once you've realized a deep truth, you are forever changed, you can never forget that truth. Love is the same. Love is truth. I have loved, and I will forever love. Once I thought this was a tragedy, because it meant every moment of not having that person was a moment full of anguish, pain, and regret. Actually, it is a gift. Perhaps, it is the most beautiful gift one can hope to receive... that I will forever have this love, this is what makes a person beautiful, what fills life with beauty, what blesses us with the breath of something close to God.