This morning, I set him free. I did the one thing I haven't been able to do and never imagined I would or could do, as long as I have known him. I said goodbye.I think it was just time. Time to turn the page. Time to go a different road. The memories, what I choose to hold, are beautiful beyond comparison. My life has been blessed to have shared a piece of him, his heart, his world, his love. I'm going to miss him, more than I can articulate really. But it is time. Time to set us both free.
Last night, after I had finished fine-tuning the outline for the final chapter of my thesis project, sipping a glass of wine on the porch, the thoughts came together with grace and finality. I considered these things: it has been nearly a year since we were truly together, over six months since sharing the same bed. I don't feel anymore like I know who he is, and this isn't to say I don't know who he is in the deepest parts of him... this, I will always know. But for his daily life, for this moment of his living, we are like strangers to one another. His friends are not my friends. We would get together maybe once a week, but usually once a month, for a cup of tea or to sit at the bench in the Decatur dog park. I had to ask myself yesterday, what kind of a friendship, even, was this? The flame of it lay so low the light barely pierced the darkness.
I'm sure the pain of severing ties is going to come barreling at me soon enough, but for now, I am going to try and enjoy the peace, the calm, and the serenity of having been honest, and thorough, and of having made a necessary change in my life. Knowing what one needs and wants is perhaps the most important part of daily living. I know what I want, and also what I need. I suspect, in this situation, knowing these two things will only help him have the same... what he wants, and what he needs.
I am also expecting a year-full, at least, of dreams saturated in his memory, as the emotions and the deeply embedded love works itself out. It's amazing sometimes, to realize just how profoundly our reality can shift. This was the person I was sure, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I would marry and spend the rest of my life with. We weaved our way through hell and back, we surmounted the highest obstacles, swam the most trecherous depths of rocky sea, and best of all we grew together. We learned so much from one another. And I only hope for him the very best of things in his life. Happiness. Love. Closeness with God. And prosperity, both for this world and the world to come.
In the words of my best friend, "And now, begin again."
Tonight's music selection: "Rihannon" by Stevie Nicks
a beautiful goodbye.
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